“Well you know I have a love, a love for everyone I know
And you know I have a drive to live I won’t let go
But can you see it’s opposition, comes arising up sometimes
That it’s dreadful antiposition, comes blacking in my mind”—"I See a Darkness" by Bonnie ‘Prince’ Billy
In me shed - reading the paper
In me shed - stirring up some paint
In me shed - sorting out me jam jars
In me shed in me shed
In me shed - fixing a puncture
In me shed - oiling the lawnmower
In me shed - having a quiet fag
In me shed in me shed in me shed
“Idiot wind, blowing through the flowers on your tomb,
Blowing through the curtains in your room.
Idiot wind, blowing every time you move your teeth,
You’re an idiot, babe.
It’s a wonder that you still know how to breathe.”—Bobby Z
I know Aldi’s doesn’t have quality food but a select few of their items are worth the trip.
Went to E. Lake Aldi’s to pick up some ice cream for a get together. As I enter the store Stubby McLardass security guard sneaks up behind me and says “Sir, I’ll need you to leave your bag at the front.”
"What?! You’re kidding right?"
"It’s our policy, sir. You just walked right past the sign."
"No I did not." I doubled back to the sign indicated.
It reads: We reserve the right to inspect all bags and packages
"It doesn’t say that and I’m not leaving my bag unattended at the front."
Stumpy refuses to look at the sign I am now wildly gesticulating at.
After refusing again he tells me that he’ll just follow me around the store then.
As I started walking at normal human speed Mr. Shortlegs is already half an aisle behind.
I make a b-line for the ice cream and get in line. The heavy breathing behind me lets me know I have not shaken my escort.
I see a man with a buzz cut and an Aldi’s sweater with Jeff embroidered on it.
I go over to him and inform him that this security guard, who has never worked here before, is telling me I have to leave my bag at the front.
Jeff informs me that it is store policy. I tell him that if that is the case I will no longer be shopping there and that they need to post that if they want to try and enforce that. I ask who is going to watch my bag. He informs me that Stump Chunkman will. I ask about what happens when Stumpy decides to go and harass the next person. Who will be watching my bag then?
Jeff refused to tell me when he started working at this location. But I could tell I hit a nerve as he said over and over “That’s not the point, sir.” He eventually told me that he started two days ago.
After telling them that this was absurd and I could do without the fucking ice cream and the hassle I headed out the door.
Jeff was more than happy that I just swore so he can tell me to leave as I am heading out the door.
The Manager changed his tune as I was unlocking my bike and piling on my outer layers again and attempted to placate me by asking for my name (WTF?) and by telling me he doesn’t want me to think I’m not being served.
Fuck, now I have to make good with my stated course of action and draft a letter in German to Aldi’s headquarters detailing the annoyance this bicycle commuter had to go through to buy a pint of ice cream.
Any time a coworker, friend or acquaintance asks a known cycle commuter “Did you ride your bike to work today?” and the temperature is below 32 degrees Farenheit, a fee of $1 will be assessed to the questioner.